Pray

These last few months have been incredibly difficult for so many reasons.

One of which is Mr. Theo. He was diagnosed with ADHD on top of sensory processing disorder, intellectual delay, and level 2 autism with a side of being minimally verbal and extra echolalia.

We’re working on figuring out his supports that work and benefit him, but in the mean time, his agitation, aggression, and inability to emotionally regulate has sky rocketed.

We continue to fight, advocate and try various things to help him. We’ve seen a lot of positive progress, but nothing that seems to calm the T-Rex within him when he gets triggered by something. His triggers aren’t all known and they’re not trauma based. They just…. Happen.

It’s a continual lesson in patience, repentance, kindness, forgiveness, and putting aside your own anger and bitterness and trusting that Christ’s plan is better than your wants. Because you never think that wrath and bitterness towards your child will be an issue until you and your husband come home black, blue and bleeding from an especially awful transition. Both of you doing everything in your power to calm your son, keep him and everyone involved safe, while defending yourself and squashing the flight or fight urge raging inside of you…. Especially when you’re like me and you rarely run. You fight.

I love my son. More than I even know how to explain to people or really put into words at all.

This certainly isn’t a part of parenting I ever envisioned or even knew existed. This isn’t a part of life that people outside of disability even can fathom or understand. It’s not something you even know to think of before you’re a parent if you’ve never experienced it personally or through various relationships.

Anyway…. This year has hit me hard with all of the hardship and last night I found myself putting on calming worship music while I hit my knees in prayer. Theo screaming and fighting in the background and my husband doing what he had to in order to keep everyone safe and work to calm our son. Too many chefs in the kitchen causes catastrophe, which is why I was there for both of them, but not in the immediate fray.

At one point, being so exhausted, I just prayed “Holy spirit intercede for me, please. I am so tired. I don’t even know what to pray anymore. Intercede for Theo and his little heart. Please pray for and over my boy. Please plead to Jesus for us and our needs. We are so tired, God.” I started crying while worshipping. Theo saw me and became concerned. He has big emotions, but he also has big empathy. His compassion is one of my favorite things about my baby boy.

He hugs me. He tells me I’m ok even while he’s in the middle of trying to calm and regulate himself.

He goes and lays down with his daddy and then asks me to sit with them.

I do for a while and continue to worship and pray with one hand laid on my boy.

Kurt is in and out of sleep after an hour of physically holding Theo back from harming himself, others and our home.

The calm that the Lord granted wasn’t swift, but it came. We were eventually all able to fall asleep and for the first time in a long time…. After Theo fell asleep in his own room and bed, Kurt came to our room where we got to cuddle and sleep without kids between us.

The things we took for granted before kids, before autism, before knowing how quickly can all be stripped away for the high needs of our boy.

But last night, the Lord was merciful and we got that time together.

Soli Deo Gloria.